Chapter iv.:HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DEPARTED SECRETLY AND HOW HE BELIEVED HE HAD THE NEOPOLITAN DISEASE

By this my occupation I gathered together so many gratifications both in money and in things of worth that I was troubled for their safety, and I wondered no longer that women do betake themselves to the stews and do make a trade of this same beastly and lewd pursuit; since it is so profitable.But now I did begin to take this matter to heart, not indeed for any fear of God or prick of conscience, but because I dreaded that I might be caught in some such trick and paid according to my deserts.So now I planned to come back to Germany, and that the more so because the commandant at Lippstadt had written to me he had caught certain merchants of Cologne, whom he would not let go out of his hands till my goods were first delivered to him:item, that he still kept for me the ensigncy he had promised, and would expect me to take it up before the spring: for if I came not then he must bestow it upon another.And with his letter my wife sent me one also full of all loving assurances of her hope to have me back.(Had she but known how I had lived she had surely sent me a greeting of another sort.)

Now could I well conceive ‘twould be hard to have my conge from Monsieur Canard, and so did I determine to depart secretly so soon as I could find opportunity: which (to my great misfortune) I found.For as I met on a time certain officers of the Duke of Weimar army, I gave them to understand I was an ensign of the regiment of colonel S(aint) A(ndre) and had been a long time in Paris on mine own affairs, yet now was resolved to return to my regiment, and so begged they would take me as their traveling-companion on their journey back.So they told me the day of their departure and were right willing to take me with them:thereupon I bought me a nag and made my provision for the journey as secretly as I could, got together my money (which was in all some 500 doubloons, all which I had earned from those shameless women), and without asking leave of Monsieur Canard went off with them: yet did I write to him, and did date the letter from Maestricht: so as he might think I was gone to Cologne: in this I took leave of him, with the excuse that I could stay no longer when my business at home required my presence.

But two nights out from Paris was with me as with one that hath the ersipelas[1], and my head did so ache that next morning I could not rise: and that in a poor village where I could have no doctor and, what was worse, none to wait upon me: for the officers rode on their way next morning and left me there, sick to death, as one that concerned them not:yet did they commend me and my horse to the host at their departure and left a message for the mayor of the place that he should have respect to me as an officer that served the king.So there I lay for a couple of days and knew naught of myself, but babbled like a fool.Then they fetched the priest to me: but he could get nothing reasonable from me: and since he saw he could not heal my soul he thought on means to help my body as far as might be, to which end he had me bled and a sudorific given me, and had me put into a warm bed to sweat.This served me so well that the same night I did know where I was and whence I had come and that I was sick.Next morning came the said priest to me again and found me desperate: for not only had my money all been stolen, but I did believe I had (saving your presence) the French disease: for I had deserved this more than my pistoles, and I was spotted over my whole body like a leopard: nor could I either walk or stand, or sit or lie: and now was my patience at an end: for though I could not well believe was God had given me the gold I had lost, yet was I now so reckless that I saw was the devil had stolen it from me!Yea, and I Behaved as if I were quite desperate, so that the good priest had much ado to comfort me, seeing that the shoe pinched me in two places.

“My friend”, says he, “behave yourself like a reasonable man, even if ye cannot embrace your cross like a good Christian.What do ye?Will ye with your money also lose your life and, what is more, your hopes of eternal salvation?”So I answered I cared not for the money: if I could but be rid of this accursed sickness or were at least in a place where I could be cured.“Ye must have patience,” answered the priest, “as must the poor children of whom there lie in this place over fifty sick of this disease.”So when I heard that children also were sick of it, I was straightway cheered, for I could not well suppose that such would catch that filthy disease: so I reached for my valise to see what might still be there: but save my linen there was naught there but a casket with a lady’s portrait, set round with rubies, that one at Paris had presented to me.The portrait I took out and gave the rest to the priest with the request he would turn it into money in the next town, so that I might have somewhat to live upon.Of which the end was that I got scarce the third part of its worth, and since that lasted not long my nag must go too: all which barely kept me till the pock-holes began to dry and I to get better.

Chapter v.:HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS PONDERED ON HIS PAST LIFE, AND HOW WITH THE WATER UP TO HIS MOUTH HE LEARNED TO SWIM

Wherewithal a man sinneth, therewith is he wont to be punished.This smallpox did so handle me that thenceforward I needed not to fear the women.I got such holes in my face that I looked like a barn-floor wheron they have threshed peas:yea, I became so foul of aspect that my fine curls in which so many women had been tangled were shamed of me and left their home: in place of which I got others that were so like a hog’s bristles that I must needs wear a wig, and even as outwardly no beauty remained to me, so also my sweet voice departed--for I had had my throat full of sores.Mine eyes, that heretofore none ever found to lack the fire of love enough to kindle any heart, were now as red and watery as those of any old wife of eighty years that hath the spleen.And above all I was in a foreign land, knew neither dog nor man that would treat me fairly, was ignorant of their language, and had no money left.

So now I first began to reflect, and to lament the noble opportunities which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by.I looked back and marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance first raised me so high.Yea, I found that the good things that had happened to me, and had brought me to the depth of misery.Now was there no longer a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me in my need, no priest to give me good advice: and, in a word, no one man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son, be glad to herd with the swine.So now first I bethought me of that priest’s good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my wealth for study: but ’twas too late to shut the stable –door now that the horse was stolen.O swift and miserable change!Four weeks ago I was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so wretched that the very dogs did bark at me.I bethought me a thousand times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I could pay no more.Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no handicraft.Nothing did comfort me more than that ‘twas now summer coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would suffer me in any house.I had my fine apparel still, that I had had made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease.This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary’s shop.Into this I went and bade him make me an ointment to do away the pock-marks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine soft shirt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take no clothes of me.For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile spots, ‘twill soon better thy case for thee.

Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary assured me that in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores had eaten in my face.‘Twas market-day there, and there too was a tooth drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always ready with his ribald jests for the crowd.“O fool,” says I to myself, “why dost though not also set up such a trade?Beest thou so long with Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature indeed.”

Chapter vi.:HOW HE BECAME A VAGABOND QUACK AND A CHEAT

Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter:for my belly was not to be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns.This I sold for twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor.So I bought me the materials for an electuary[2] and made it up:likewise out of herbs, roots, butter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse:also out of calamine, gravel, crab’s-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache.Likewise I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in; and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies was fitted.And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots[3] when I left the town.So I packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Strassburg to betake myself with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife.Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether.

Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced, and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well:and from that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money.So I went with my trumpery into the inn, and at dinner I learned from the host that in the afternoon all manner of folk would come together under the lime-tree before his house.And there he said I might sell something, if only my wares were good: but there were so many rogues in the land that people were mightily chary of their money unless they had real proof before their eyes that the medicine was truly good.

So when I found where the shoe pinched I got me a half-wineglass full of strong Strassburg Branntwein, and caught a kind of toad called Reling or Mohmlein, that in spring and summer sits in dirty pools and croaks, gold colour or nearly salmon colour with black spots on its belly, most hateful to see.Such an one I put in a wine glass with water and set it by my wares on a table under the lime-tree.And when the people began to gather together and stood round me, some thought I would, and with the tongs that I had borrowed from the hostess, pull out teeth.But I began thus:“My masters and goot frients (for I could still speak but little French), I be no tooths-cracker, only I haf goot watter for se eye, zat make all ze running go way from ze red eye.”“Yea,” says one, “that can one see by thine own eyes, that be like to two will-o’-the-wisps.“And zat is true,” says I, “but if I had not ze watter sure I were quite blint: besides, I sell not ze watter.Ze elegtuary and ze powder for ze white tooths and ze wound-salve, zese will I sell, but ze watter I gif avay mit dem! For I be no quack nor no cheater:I do sell mine elegtuary:and when I haf tried it, if it blease you not you needs to puy it”

So I bade one of them that stood by to choose any one of my boxes of electuary, out of which I made a pill as large as a peas, and put it into my Branntwein, which the people took for water, and there pounded it up and then picked up the toad with the tongs out of the water-glass and said, “See, my goot frients, if this fenomous worm do drink mine elegtuary wizout dying, so is ze ting no goot, and zenn puy it not.”With that I put the poor toad, that had been born in water and could bear no other element or liquor, into the Branntwein, and held it covered in with a paper so he could not leap out:which began to struggle and to wriggle, yea, to do worse than if I had thrown him upon red-hot coals, for the Branntwein was much too strong for him: and after a short time he died and stretched out his four legs.At that the peasants opened their mouths and their purses too when they saw so plain a proof with their own eyes: for now they believed there could be no better electuary on earth than mine, and I had enough to do to wrap up the stuff in the printed papers an take money for it.

For some of them did buy three, four, five, six times so much, that they might at need be provided with so sure an antidote against poison: yea, they bought also for their friends and kinsfolk that dwelt in other places, so that from this foolery (though ‘twas no market-day) I gained by the evening ten crowns, and still kept more than the half of my wares.The same night I betook myself to another village, as fearing lest some peasant should be so curious as to put a toad in water to try the virtue of my electuary, and if it should fail my back should suffer for it.

But to shew the excellence of my antidote in another way, I made me, of meal, saffron, and galls, a yellow arsenic, and of meal and vitriol a sublimate of mercury; and when I would show the effect of it I had ready two like glasses of fresh water on the table, whereof one was pretty strongly mixed with aqua fortis[4]: into this I stirred a little of my electuary and dropped in as much of my two poisons as was needed: then was one water, that had no electuary (but also no aqua fortis) in it, as black as ink, while the other, by reason of the aqua fortis, remained as it was.“Aha,” said they all, “see that is truly a marvelous electuary for so little money!”And then when I poured both together again the whole was clear once more: at that the good peasants dragged out their purses and bought of me: which not only helped my hungry belly, but also I could take horse again, earned much money on the way, and so came safely to the German border.

And so, my deer country-folks put not your faith in quacks:or ye will be deceived by them, since they seek not your health but your wealth.

Chapter vii.:HOW THE DOCTOR WAS FITTED WITH A MUSQUET UNDER CAPTAIN CURMUDGEON

Now as I passed through Lorraine, my wares gave out, and because I must avoid garrison-towns I had no chance to get more:so must I devise another plan till I could make electuary again.So I bought me two measures of Branntwein and coloured it with saffron, and sold it in half-ounce glasses to the people as a gold water of great price, good against fever, and so my two measures brought me in thirty gulden.But my little glasses running short, and I hearing of a glass-maker that dwelt in the county of Fleckenstein, I betook myself thither to equip myself afresh, but seeking for by-paths was by chance caught by a picket from Philippsburg that was quartered in the castle of Wagelnburg, and so lost all that I had wrung out of the people by my cheats on the journey; and because the peasant that went with me to shew the way told the fellows I was a doctor, as a doctor I must willy-nilly be taken to Philippsburg.There was I examined and spared not to say who I was in truth; which they believed not, but would make more of me that I could well be:for I should and must remain a doctor.Then must I swear I belonged to the Emperor’s dragoons in Soest and declare on my oath all that had happened to me from then to now and what I now intended.“But,” said they, “the Emperor had need of soldiers as much at Philippsburg as at Soest: and so would they give me entertainment, till I had good opportunity to come to my regiment:but if this plan was not to my taste, I might content myself to remain in prison and be treated as a doctor till I should be released; for as a doctor I had been taken.”

So I came down from a horse to a donkey, and must become a musqueteer against my will: which vexed me mightily, for want was master there, and the rations terrible small:I say not to no purpose “terrible” for I was terrified every morning when I received mine: for I knew I must make that suffice for the whole day which I could have made away with at a meal without trouble.And to tell truth ‘tis a poor creature, a musqueteer, that must so pass his life in a garrison, and make dry bread suffice him—yea, and not half enough of that: for he is naught else than a prisoner that prolongs his miserable life with the bread and water of tribulation: nay, a prisoner hath the better lot, for he needs neither to watch, nor to go the rounds, nor stand sentry, but lies at rest and has as much hope as any such poor garrison soldier in time at length to get out of his prison.‘Tis true there were some that bettered their condition, and that in divers ways, but none that pleased me and seemed to me a reputable way to gain my food.For some in this miserable plight took to themselves wives (yea, the most vile women at need) for no other cause than to be kept by the said women’s work, either with sewing, washing and spinning, or with selling of old clothes and higgling[5], or even with stealing:there was a she-ensign among the women that drew her pay as a corporal: another was a midwife, and so earned many a good meal for herself and her husband: another could starch and wash: others laundered for the unmarried soldiers and officers shirts, stockings, sleeping-breeches and I know not what else, from which they had each her special name.Others did sell tobacco and provide pipes for the fellows that had need of them: others dealt in Branntwein: another was a seamstress, and could do all manner of embroidery and cut patters to earn money:another gained a livelihood from the fields only; in winter she gathered snail, in spring salad-herbs, in summer she took birds’-nests, and in autumn she would gather fruit of all kinds: a few carried wood for sale like asses, and others traded with this and that.Yet to gain my support in such a way was not for me: for I had a wife already.Other fellows did gain a livelihood by play, for at that they were better than sharpers and could get their simple comrades’ money from them with false dice:but such a profession I loathed.Others toiled like beasts of burden at the ramparts; but for that I was too lazy: and some knew and could practise a trade, but I, poor creature, had learned none such: ‘tis true if any had had need of a musician I could have filled the place well, but that land of hunger was content with drums an fifes.Some stood sentry for others and night and day came never off duty, but I would sooner starve than so torment my body: some got them booty by expeditions: but I was not even trusted to go outside the gates:others could go a-mousing better than any cat, but such a trade I hated worse than the plague.In a word, wherever I turned, I could hit on no way to fill my belly.Yet what vexed me most of all was this, that I must needs endure all manner of gibes when my comrades said, “What, thou a doctor, and hast no art but to starve?”

At length did hunger force me to inveigle a few fine carp out of the town ditch up to me on the wall: but as soon as the colonel was ware of it I must ride the torture horse for it, and was forbidden on pain of death to exercise that art further.At the last others’ misfortune proved my good luck.For having cured a few patients of jaundice and tow of fever (all which must have had a particular belief in me), it was allowed me to go out of the fortress on the pretence of collecting roots and herbs for my medicines:instead of which I did set snares for hares and had the luck to catch two the first night: these I brought to the colonel, and so got not only a thaler as a present, but also leave to go out and catch hares whensover I was not on duty.Now because the country was waste and no man there to catch the beasts, which had therefore mightily multiplied, there came grist to my mill again, insomuch that it seemed as if it rained hares, or as if I could charm them into my snares.So when the officers saw they could rust me I was allowed to go out on plundering parties: and there I began my life as at Soest, save that I might no longer lead and command such parties as heretofore in Westphalia; for for that ‘twas needful to know all highways and byways and to be well acquainted with the Rhine stream.

         Edited by Tim Kassel