Chap. xviii: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIFUL STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS

     But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly was I warm at home when he said to me, ‘Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine asses’ ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I buy thee out of the hangman’s hand. Oh fie, for shame! ‘Twere best I should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee of thine iniquities.’

    “Now when I must day by day hear such lectures, at the last was I out of all patience, and told my father roundly I was not guilty of all, but he and my tutor, that led me astray: and had he no joy of me, so was he rightly served, that had given his parents no joy of him, but had let them come to beggary and starvation. On that he reached for a stick and would have paid me for my plain speaking, swearing loud and long he would have me to the House of Correction at Amsterdam. So away I went, and the same night betook me to his newly bought farm, watched my opportunity, and rode off to Cologne on the best horse I could find in his stables.

    “This horse did I sell, and forthwith lit upon even such a crew of rogues and thieves as I had left at Liege. So at play they did know me for what I was and I them, for both did know so much. Straightway I was made one of their brotherhood, and was their helper in their nightly excursions. Yet when presently one of our band was caught in the Old Market as he would relieve a lady of quality of her heavy purse, and specially when I had seen him stand an hour in the pillory with an iron collar on, and, further, had seen one of his ears cut off and himself well whipped, that trade pleased me no more, but I enlisted as a soldier: for just then the colonel with whom we served before Magdeburg was a-recruiting. Meanwhile had my father learned where I was, and so did write to his factor he should inquire concerning me: which befell even then when I had drawn my first pay: and that the factor told my father, which gave orders that he should buy me out, cost it what it might: but when I heard that, I had fear of the House of Correction, and so would not be bought out. Through this was my colonel aware I was a rich merchant’s son, and so fixed his price so high that my father left me as I was, intending to let me kick my heels awhile in the wars and so perchance come to a better mind.

    “'Twas not long before it happened that my colonel’s writer died, in whose place he employed me, as thou knowest. And thereupon I began to have high thoughts in hope to rise from one rank to another, and so in the end to become a general. From our secretary I did learn how to carry myself, and my intent to grow to a great man caused me to behave myself as a man of honour and repute, and no longer, as of old time, to play rogues’ tricks. Yet had I no luck till our secretary died, and then methought, ‘Thou must see to it that thou hast his place.’ Andall I could I spent: for when my mother heard I had begun to do well she ever sent me moneys. Yet because young Herzbruder was beloved by our colonel and was preferred to me, I purposed to have him out of the way, specially because I was sure the colonel would give him the secretary’s place. And at the delaying of the promotion which I so much desired I was impatient that I had me made bullet proof by our Provost, so to fight with Herzbruder and settle matters by the sword: yet could I not civilly come at him. Yea, and our Provost warned me from my purpose and said, ‘Even if thou makest him a sacrifice, yet will it do thee more harm than good, for thou wilt but have murdered the colonel’s favourite.’

    “Yet did he advise me I should steal somewhat in Herzbruder’s presence and give it to him: for so could he bring it about that he should lose the colonel’s favour. To that I agreed, and stole the parcel-gilt cup at the colonel’s christening-feast and gave it to the Provost, by means of which he rid me of young Herzbruder, as thou wilt surely remember, even then when he, by his sorcery, filled thy pockets with puppies.”

Chap. xix: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FULFILLED HERZBRUDER’S PROPHECY TO OLIVER BEFORE YET EITHER KNEW THE OTHER

    All was green and yellow before mine eyes when I must so hear from Oliver’s own mouth how he had gone about with my best friend, and yet I could take no revenge: mine inclination thereto I must needs pocket up lest he should mark it: and so begged he should tell me how it had further fared with him before the battle at Wittstock.¹  “Why, in that encounter,” said Oliver, “I carried myself like no quill-driver that is set upon his inkstand, but like a moreover being counted in no squadron: for so could higher by his sword or to die. So did I fly around our brigade like a whirlwind, both to exercise myself and to shew our men I was more fit for arms than for the pen. Yet all availed nothing, for the Swedes’ luck prevailed, and I must share the ill-fortune of our folk and must accept that quarter which a little before I would have given to no man.

    “So was I with the other prisoners put into a foot regiment, which same was presently sent away to Pomerania on furlough: where, since there were many raw recruits, and I had shown a very notable courage, I was promoted corporal. Yet I was minded to make no long stay there, but as soon as might be to return to the emperor'’ service, to which party I was ever most affected, and that although doubtless my advancement had been far quicker among the Swedes. And my escape I brought to pass thus. I was sent out with seven musqueteers to a neighbouring post to demand the contribution, which was in arrears: and so having got together some eight hundred gulden or more, I shewed my fellows the gold and caused their eyes to lust after it, so much so that we agreed to divide the same and so make our escape. This being settled, I did persuade three of them to help me to shoot the other four dead, and such being accomplished we divided the money, namely, 200 gulden to each: and with that we marched off to Westphalia. Yet on the way did I persuade one of the three to help me to knock the other two on the head; and then when we two were to divide the spoil I did make an end with the last man, and so came by good luck safely with the money to Wesel, where I took up my quarters and made merry with my money.

    “But when this was now nearly spent, and I still had my love of fine living, then did I hear of a certain young soldier of Soest and what fine booty he had gained, and what a name he had earned: and so was I heartened up to follow in his footsteps. And as they called him, by reason of his green clothing, the Huntsman, so did I have such green raiment made for myself, and under his name did so plunder and steal in his and our own quarters, and that with every circumstance of wanton mischief, that it came near to this, that foraging parties should be forbidden on both sides. He ('‘is true) stayed at home, but when I still went on a-mousing in his name all I could, then did that same huntsman for that same reason challenge me. But the devil might fight with him: for, as ‘twas told me, he had ever the devil in his jacket: and that devil had soon made an end of my wound-proof. Yet could I not escape his craft, for with the help of a servant of his did he beguile me with my comrade into a sheep-fold, and there would force me, in the presence of two living devils that were his seconders by his side, to fight with him by moonlight. Which when I refused, they did compel me to the most contemptible actions in the world, and that my comrade soon spread abroad: of which I was so shamed that I up and away to Lippstadt and there took service with the Hessians: yet there I remained not long, where none could trust me, but tramped away further to the Dutch. And there did I find, ‘tis true, more punctual payment, but too slow a war for my humour: for there were we kept in like monks and must live as chastely as nuns.

    “So since I could no more shew my face among either Imperials, Swedes or Hessians, had I been willing wantonly to run the risk, as having deserted from all three, and since I could now no longer stay with the Hollanders, having violently deflowered a maiden, which act seemed likely presently to bring about its results, I thought to take refuge with the Spaniards, in the hope to escape home from them and to see how my parents fared. Yet as I set about that plan I missed my points of the compass so foully that I fell among the Bavarians, with whom I marched among the Merodians, from Westphalia as far as the Breisgau, and earned me a living by dicing and stealing. When I had aught I spent my day on the gaming-ground and my night among the sutlers: had I naught, I stole what I could, and often in a day two or three horses, both from pasture and from stables, sold them, and gamed away what I got, and then at night I would burrow under the soldiers’ tents and steal away their purses from under their very heads. Were we on the march I would keep a watchful eye on the portmantles that the women did carry behind them; these would I cut away. And so I kept myself alive till the battle before Wittenweier, wherein I was made prisoner, once more thrust into a foot-regiment, and so made one of Weimar’s soldiers. But the camp before Breisach liked me not, so I left it early and went off to forage for myself, as thou seest I do. And be thou well assured, brother, that already I have laid low many a proud fellow and have earned a noble stock of money: nor am I minded to cease till I see I can get no more. And now it doth come to thy turn to tell me of thy life and fortunes.”

Chap. xx: HOW IT DOTH FARE WITH A MAN ON WHOM EVIL FORTUNE DOTH RAIN CATS AND DOGS

     Now when Oliver had ended his discourse, I could not enough admire the Providence of God. Now Could I understand how the good God had not alone protected me like a father from this monster in Westphalia, but had, moreover, so brought it about that he should go in fear of me. Now could I see what a trick I had played on him, to which the old Herzbruder’s prophecy did apply, yet which he himself expounded, as may be seen in the fourteenth chapter, in another way, and that to my great profit. For had this beast but known I was the Huntsman of Soest he had surely made me drink of the same cup I served to him before at the sheep-fold. I considered, moreover, how wisely and darkly Herzbruder had delivered his predictions, and thought in myself that, though his prophecies were wont commonly to turn out true, yet ‘twould go hard and must happen strangely if I was to revenge the death of one that had deserved the wheel and the gallows: I found it also good for my health that I had not first told him of my life, for so had I told him the way how I before had disgraced him. And as I thought thereupon, I did mark in Oliver’s face certain scratches that he had not at Magdeburg, and so did conceive that these scars were the tokens of Jump-I’-th’-field, when at that former time he, in the likeness of a devil did thus scrabble his face, and so asked him whence he had those signs, adding thereto that, though he had told me his whole life, yet I must gather that he had left out the best part, since he had not yet told me who had so marked him.

    “Ah, brother,” answered he, “were I to tell all my tricks and rogueries the time would be too long both for you and me: yet to shew thee that I conceal from thee none of my adventures I will tell thee the truth of this, though me thinks ‘tis but a sorry story for me.

    “I am fully assured that from my mother’s womb I was predestined to a scratched face, for in my very childhood I was so treated by my schoolfellows when I wrangled with them: and so likewise one of those devils that waited on the Huntsman of Soest handled me so roughly that six weeks long one could see the marks of his claws in my face: but the scars thou seest in my face had another beginning, to wit this. When I lay in winter quarters with the Swedes in Pomerania, and had a fair mistress by me, mine host must leave his bed, for us to lie there: but his cat that had been used to sleep therein would come every night and plague us, as one that could not so easily spare her wonted bed-place as her master and mistress had done: this did vex my wench (that could at no time abide a cat) so sore that she did swear loudly she would shew me no more favour till I had made an end of this cat. So being desirous to have her society yet, I devised how not only to please her but so to avenge myself of the cat as to have sport therein. With that I packed the beast in a bag, took my host’s two great watch-dogs (which at any timed had no love for cats, but were familiar with me), and the cat in the sack, to a broad and pleasant meadow, and there thought to have my jest, for I deemed, since there was no tree hard by for the cat to escape to, that the dogs would chase her up and down for a while on the plain like a hare, and so would afford me fine pastime. But zounds: it turned out for me not only dogs'’luck, as people say, but cats'’luck (which sort of luck few can have known or ‘twould assuredly long ago have been made a proverb of), since the cat, when I did open the bag, seeing only an open field and on it her two fierce enemies, and nothing high whereto she could escape, would not so easily take the field and so be torn to pieces, but betook herself to mine own head as finding no higher place, and as I sought to keep her away my hat fell off: so the more I tried to pull her down, the deeper she stuck in her claws so as to hold fast. Such a combat the dogs could not endure to see, but joined the sport themselves, and jumped up with open jaws in front, behind, and on either side of me to come at the cat, which yet would not leave my head, but maintained her place by fastening of her claws both in my face and my head, as best she could. And if she missed to give the dogs a pat with her glove of thorns, be sure she missed not me: yet because she did sometimes strike the dogs on the nose, therefore they busied themselves to bring her down with their claws, and in so doing dealt me many a shrewd scratch in the face: yea, and if I with both hands strove to tear the cat from her place, then would she bite and scratch me to the best of her ability. And thus was I, both by the dogs and the cat at once so attacked, so mauled, and so terribly handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith’s travise on St. Stephen’s Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing to allow my poll to continue to be their battle-ground: ‘tis true the dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool’s trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer love so horrible a mask.”

Chap. xxi.: A BRIEF EXAMPLE OF THAT TRADE WHICH OLIVER FOLLOWED, WHEREIN HE WAS A MASTER AND SIMPLICISSIMUS SHOULD BE A PRENTICE

     Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver’s, yet must show compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said, that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must first slay me.

     “Ah,” says he, “thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem.” “But brother,” said I, “what hast thou against these innocents? An they were men that could defend themselves ‘twere another story.” “How,” he answered: “cook your eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the worst jacket-duster in the world.”

     And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and ‘twas a major’s wife, her maids and three fair children, for whom it grieved me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till they might chance to be released by someone: thereafter we plundered the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it was thickest.

     So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I pointed out to Oliver and said ‘twere well to be on our guard. “Why, thou fool,” said he, “’tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue is long ago frozen and dead.” So he goes up to him and chucks him under the chin, and says he, “Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair ducat”² : and as he shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons and a ruby of great price, and says he, “This booty have I to thank thee for, Simplicissimus”; and with that gave me the ruby, took the gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself.

     But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants of the Black Forest,³ which were then famous for the knocking of soldiers on the head. “And suppose,” said I, “thou takest all the horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee, yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted murderer be broken on the wheel.”⁴ In a word, I could devise no safe means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate forest where I knew neither highway nor by-way: and besides all that my conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserable lost his life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast in the cellar, wherein perchance, like this Jew, they must perish and die. Then again I would comfort me on the score of mine innocence, as being compelled against my will: yet there contrariwise my conscience answered me, I had long before deserved for my rogueries to fall into the hands of justice in the company of this arch-murderer, and so receive my due reward, and perhaps, methought, just Heaven had so provided that I should even so be brought to book. At the last I began to hope for better things and besought God’s goodness to help me forth from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, “Thou fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight? Or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee.”

     But as I thus plagued and tormented myself and yet could come to no plan, came Oliver back with our peasant, which guided us with the horses to another farm, where we did bait and, taking turn by turn, did each get two hours’ sleep. After midnight we rode on and about noon came to the uttermost boundary of the Switzers, where Oliver was well known, and had us nobly entertained: and while we made merry the host sends for a couple of Jews, that bought the horses from us at half their price. And all was so plainly and clearly settled that there was little need of parley. For the Jews’ chief question was, were the horses from the emperor’s side or the Swedes’: and thereupon hearing they were from Weimar’s army, “Then,” said they, “must we ride them not to Basel⁵  but into Swabia to the Bavarians.” At which close acquaintance and familiarity I must needs wonder.

     So we feasted like princes, and heartily did I enjoy the good forest-trout and the savoury crayfish. And when ‘twas evening we took to the road again, loading our peasant with baked meats and other victual like a pack-horse: with all which we came the next day to a lonesome farm, where we were friendly welcomed and entertained, and by reason of ill weather stayed two days: thereafter through woods and by-ways we came to that very hut whither Oliver did take me when first he had me to his companion.

Edited by Eric Smith

¹ The Battle at Wittstock took place during the Thirty Years War on October 4, 1636 in Brandenburg. It was at this battle that The Swedes, led by Marshals Baner and Torstensson defeated the Saxons. After overtaking Brandenburg, the Sweded penetrated as far as Leipzig and Erfurt. “Wittstock,” The New Cambridge Modern History (Cambridge, University Press, 1970), vol. IV: The Decline of Spain and the Thirty Years War: 1609-1659, p. 348.

²A ducat is a gold coin that originated in Venice in 1284. It was introduced by Venice to complete with the Florentine florin. By the fifteenth century, the ducat was the dominant international currency. The ducat was virtually all gold and weighed 3.5 grams. Eventually, the ducat came to be a reference for a unit of account. Allen, Larry. “Ducat,” Encyclopedia of Money (Santa Barbara: ABC-CLIO, 1999), ps. 293-294.

³ The Black Forest was located across from the Rhine River and includes Breisgau and the territories in Wurttemberg. The Vorderosterreich government was established in the Black Forest. During the Thirty Years War, control of the Black Forest had strategic implications, since it allowed one to control the military and trade routes. Partly because of this strategic location, the Hapsburgs were able to keep German feudal lords under direct control. “Black Forest,” The New Cambridge Modern History (Cambridge, University Press, 1970), vol. IV: The Decline of Spain and the Thirty Years War: 1609-1659, p. 504.

⁴ The Wheel was used mainly in Germany and France as a form of capital punishment. Executions by the wheel generally occurred in the morning and in the public square so that people could watch. The convict was stripped down, wrapped in a cloak, placed in a cart and taken to the execution where his limbs were broken by an iron bar so that he could be tied to the wheel. The wheel was then raised to a scaffold for all to see and the convict would die from exhaustion due to his squirming as a result of his broken limbs. In this sense, the wheel is much like a crucifixion. Laurence, John. “The Wheel” A History of Capital Punishment (New York: Kennikat Press, 1971), p. 224-225)

⁵ Basel was a city located on the Rhine. During the Middle Ages, it drew many artists and philosophers, including Erasmus and Hans Holbein the Younger. The first Swiss University was founded in Basel in 1460. During the Thirty Years War, Basel was a place for peasant refugees, at one time called home to 5,256 refugees in 1633. Jeep, John M. ed., “Basel,” Medieval Germany: An Encyclopedia (New York: Garland Publishing, Inc., 2001), pgs. 43-44.  and Parker, Geoffrey, The Thirty Years War (Boston: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1984), p. 262.