Chap. xxii. :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she went to bed with me.  For though this trick which had been played me stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not the so foolish as to put my bride to shame.  And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my behaviour in this matter.  Now thought I, “Thou art rightly served” : and yet again considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge.  But when I remembered me that such a revenge must harm my father-in-law and also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught.  At one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit the chief and greatest folly.  At the last I concluded that I would before all things win my father-in-law’s friendship again, and would so carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as if I had made all things ready for my wedding.  For, said I to myself, “Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give it a like end :  for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will be thy portion.”

 Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have lain longer.  And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had married my wife’s sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as would promote a peace between me and him.  The which he took upon him to do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the bedding.  But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite himself.

 The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were never in their sober senses :  but whereas they could play the fool without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to enact the sober married man wore reasonably.  Then he demanded me what of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for the wedding-feast—for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty.  So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one clause—viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight again.  But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship.  So with such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for from me, I obtained that the commandant  and my father-in-law, whom he undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper.  He sent likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen :  and I made preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than cursing the night before.  And so ‘twas noised all over the town that our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk should play some jest upon us.  And me this speedy settlement of things suited full well.  For had I come to be married with my banns called beforehand, as is the usage, ‘twas much to be feared there would have been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of hindrance :  for I had among the burghers’ daughters a round half-dozen that knew me only too well.

 The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so well as I by far, being miserly.  And then I must first say what profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my household :  wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble freedom and must live henceforth under orders.  Yet I carried myself obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it :  which speech the commandant approved and said, “This being a brisk young soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think to follow any but the soldier’s trade :  for ‘tis far better to stable one’s horse in another man’s stall than to feed another’s nag in one’s own.  And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he will.”

 For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, but shewed the commandant the merchant’s receipt, which had my treasure in keeping at Cologne.¹  “And this,” said I, “I must first fetch away before I take service with the Swedes :  for should they learn that I served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the roadside.”  This they approved, and so ‘twas concluded promised and resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress and there take command of my company.  Furthermore a day was named on which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant’s regiment.  For Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers.  Yet was this care of his in vain :  for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of John de Werth in the Breisgau,² forced to leave Westphalia that same spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.

² Breisgau is a historic region between the Black Forest and the Rhine, and located in the southwestern portion of Germany.  Over the course of the 14th century, most of Breisgau was incorporated into various Habsburgs domains.  As a result of the Peasant's Revolt in the 16th century and the Thirty Years' War in the 17th, Breisgau witnessed destructive sieges and occupation for a time by the Swedes.  During the Thirty Years' War more specifically, Breisgau fell to the Protestants in 1638 and to the French in 1648.  "Breisach" and "Breisgau," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 2, pp. 496-497.
 

Chap.  xxiii. :  HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

THINGS do happen in different fashions.  To one man ill luck cometh by degrees and slowly :  another it doth fall upon in a heap.  So hardly had I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave of her and her friends in my huntsman’s dress with my gun upon my shoulder ;  and because all roads were well known to me, I came luckily to my journey’s end without danger threatening.  Nay, I was seen of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite Cologne on this side the Rhine.  But I saw many, and specially a peasant in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart ;  and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus.  For the lad was herding swine as I was passing by :  and the swine, scenting me, began to grunt and the lad to curse :  “Thunder and lightning strike them and the devil fly away with them too !”  That the maidservant heard , and cried to the lad not to curse or she would tell his father.  The boy answered, she might kiss . . . and burn her mother too :  But the peasant hearing it, runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, “Wait, thou anointed rascal, I will teach thee to curse ;  strike thee blind and the devil take thy carcase” :  and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, “Thou wicked boy,” says he, “I’ll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I’ll kiss . . . for thee ;  I’ll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother.”  Which manner of correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding.  And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained upon me should endure ?

 So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was just then in his right mind.  But when I told him wherefore I had come, he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw ;  for the merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt and had fled :  ‘tis true my property had been officially sealed up and the merchant himself cited to appear ;  but ‘twas greatly doubted if he would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could easily be carried ;  and before the case could be settled much water might flow under the bridges.  How pleasing this news was to me any man can easily judge.  I swore like a trooper, but what availed that?  I did not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so :  besides, I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so could not stay so long as the matter required.  Moreover, ‘twas dangerous for me to tarry there ;  for I had reason to fear that, as now being attached to an enemy’s garrison, I might be found out, and so not only lose my good but fall into a still worse plight.  Yet for me to return with the matter unsettled, leave my property willfully behind, and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, seemed to me also unwise.  At last I determined I would stay at Cologne till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay :  so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper reward ;  and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good present besides the fixed fees.  And as he hoped to get plenty out of me he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me :  and thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is to settle bankrupts’ affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the merchant’s acknowledgement, and produced the original :  to which the answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgement spoke were not all to be found.

 So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I wished to see somewhat of life in great cities.  My host was, as I have said, a notary and advocate :  besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to travellers :  moreover he had both a German and Italian groom, that could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal :  for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make money in all manner of ways.³  I did learn much in the time I was with him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the chiefest art of the doctor of medicine.  For they say if the doctor do but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured.  Now ‘twas my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other persons.  And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours—yea, and by the doctors too—to be a hale and hearty man.  So did I find people that were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about everything that they could get into their hand, like madmen.  ‘Tis said this disease ariseth from the gall ;  but I do rather believe its origin is in this, that a fool hath a fool’s pride :  so if thou hear an angry man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that man hath more pride than sense.  From this disease followeth endless mischance both for the patient and for others :  for the patient, palsy, gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also).  Yet can we with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack.  Some too, I saw quite sick with envy, of whom ‘tis said that they eat their own hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad.  And this disease do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick man’s enemy doth enjoy :  and he that can quite cure such an one may wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a jealousy only of sin and vice.  The gaming passion I hold likewise for a disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if poisoned :  it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do judge ;  and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and idleness, that sickness will of itself depart.  Likewise I found that gluttony is a disease :  and that cometh from habit and not from overmuch wealth.  Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but ‘tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers that starved.  It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so that when it comes to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no more.  As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in ignorance :  for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is and whither he goeth, ‘tis clean impossible that he can go on in his foolish pride.  When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady : yet have I never been able to find a special remedy against it :  for they that are sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen.  Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for Philemon⁴ died of it and Democritus⁵ was till his end sick of it.  And so nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died.  ‘Tis said it hath its origin in the liver :  but I do believe it cometh from immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man :  nor is it needful to present a remedy for it, since ‘tis not only a merry madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it.  Nor less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the female sex :  ‘tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, seeing that we all must pay for our first mother’s curiosity.  Of the rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since ‘twas never my intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.

⁴  Philemon was a famous Athenian playwright and poet that lived from 368 BC to 264 BC. In this particular case, Grimmelshausen makes a perhaps more direct reference to Philemon's part in the Athenian New Comedy.  In this, he was known for his neatly contrived plots, vivid descriptions, dramatic surprises, and platitudinous moralizing.  "Philemon," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 9, p. 366.

⁵  Democritus was an Ancient Greek philosopher that lived from 460 BC to 370 BC.  He gained fame for his part in the development of the atomic theory of the universe.  Of particular importance in Grimmelshausen's reference, however, stands his ethical system posited, which advanced an ultimate good that was "a state in which the soul lives peacefully and tranquilly, undisturbed by fear or superstition or any other feeling."  "Democritus," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 4, pp. 6-7.
 

Chap.  xxiv. :  HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he scraped together money:  he fed with his guests and not his guests with him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it :  but he fed us Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back.  At the first I ate not with his guests but with his children and household, because I had little money with me :  there were but little morsels, that were like Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty Westphalian diet.  No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only what had been carried away a week before from the students’ table, pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as Methuselah.  Over this the hostess, who must do he cooking herself (for he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kid of gravy and bedevilled it with pepper.  Yet though the bones were sucked so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and all the fat that remained boiled out of them.  I know not whether this was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes.  But on fast-days, of which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other decayed marine creatures :  for he bought all with regard to cheapness only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and to pick up what the fish-mongers themselves were about to throw away.  Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October.  Besides all this, I learned from hos German servant that in summer-time ‘twas yet worse :  for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at supper.  So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser.  He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the drink-money of travellers than on the mouldy old Jews, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged them even  drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find ;  what I had seen up till now, said he, was nothing :  if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he was no ashamed to skin a flea for its fat.  Once, said he, the old fellow had brought hoe six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his larder :  but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to be open :  so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out ‘twas the cat had done it.  That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.

 Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, however much it might cost :  and there ‘twas certainly more royal fare ;  yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways—first in fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appetite :  yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal.  His wine, too, was well watered and not of a kind to aid in digestion:  and the cheese which was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast ;  as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and fit to eat ;  and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear :  but secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

 Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present :  this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have game to our dinner :  but the German servant said to me we need not lick our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders that he need not serve them such dainties ;  I should go to the Old Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for sale.  So I cut a bit out of the hare’s ear, and as we sat at our midday meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow me ;  for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare too.  Every one of them consented ;  for they had long desired to play our host a trick of which he could not complain.  So that afternoon we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing.  There we found him in talk with some of the nobles.  Now I had engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say, “Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property :  last night ‘twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up willingly, ‘tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court.”  The huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter :  for there stood the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell ;  and he could surely not have stolen it.  So as they disputed, they gathered a crowd round them ;  which when our miser was ware of and saw which way the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame.  But the fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and voted him the hare.  Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we agreed I presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it served up at our table :  but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer.  So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh :  and had I meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more such tricks.

Edited by Allen Smith