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Book II, Chapter vi:
HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WHENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A CALF.
Now when I came to myself and found meself no longer in the glooomy cellare
with the devils, but in a dine room under the charge of three of the foulest
old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them first, when I opened my eyes
a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read the old heathen poets
I should have deemed them to be Furies
1, or at least have
taken one for Tisiphonecome from hell to robme, like Athamas
2,of my wits (for well I knew I wasthere
to be turned into a fool). Forshe had a pair of eyes like twowill-o’-the-wisps,
and between the samea long, thin hawk’s nosewhose end or point reached
at least to herlower lip: and two teeth onlycould I see in her mouth, and
those so perfect,long, round, and thick thateach might for its form be likened
to a ring-finger,and for its colour tothe gold ring itself. In a word,
there was enoughto make up a mouthfulof teeth, yet ill distributed.
Her face was likeSpanish leather, andher grey hair hung in a strange confusion
about her head,for they had justfetched her from her bed. In truth
it was a fearsomesight, which couldserve for nought else but as an excellent
remedy againstthe unreasonablelust of a salacious goat. The other two
were no whithandsomer, savethat they had blunt apes’ noses and had
put on theirclothes somewhatmore orderly. So when I had a little recovered
myself,I perceivedthat the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives
of twogrooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth
I wasin no conditionfor dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames stripped
me stark nakedand cleansed me for all filth like a young child; yea, while
the work wasa-doing they shewed me great patience and much compassion, insomuch
thatI nearly revealed to them how it truly stood with me: yet I thought,“Nay,Simplicissimus,
trust thou in no old women; but considerthou has victoryenough if thou
in they youth canst decieve three such craftyold hags, withwhose help one
could catch the devil in the open field: fromsuch beginingsthough mayst hope
in thine old age to do yet greater things.”
So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed
wherein I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs
and other things wherewith they had wached me away with them, and my clothes
likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch
twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with wings
before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts, taffety ribbons,
pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like dazzling trinkets.
One had a gilded trncher full of cakes, shortbread, marchpane, and otherconfectionery;
but the other a gilded flagon in his hand. These twoangles (for such
they have themselves out to be) sought to persuage me Iwas now in heaven,
for that I had happily endured purgatory and had escapedfrom the devil and
his dam: so need I only ask what me heart desired, forall that I could wish
was at hand or, if not, they could presently fetchit. Now I was tormented
by thirst, and as I saw the beaker beofre meI desired only drink, which was
willingly handed to me. Yet was itno wine but a gentle sleeping-draught
which I drank at one pull, and withthat again fell asleep so soon as it grew
warm within me.
The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet found
myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old goose-pen.
There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and besides that Ihad
on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough side was turned outwards:the
breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and the doublet was tooshaped
in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was a headpiece like amonks cowl;
this was drawn down over my head and ornamented with a fine pairof greatasses’
ears. Then must I perforce laugh at mine ownplight; forwell I saw by
the nest and the feathers what manner of bird Iwas to be. And at that
time I first began to reason with myself andto reflect what Ihad best do.
So this I determined; to play the foolto the utmost, asI might have the chance
now and again and meanwhile towair with patiencehow my fate would shape itself.
Book II, Chapter vii:
HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST
Now it had been east for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had
cut in the dorr before, to free myself. But because I must now be a
fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not
the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself
as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating
was heard of them that were appointed to watch mel for presently there came
two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered:
“ Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here.” And with that
they opened to pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak:
which forced performance became the, even as well as doth the awkward attempt
of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and so much so that
I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel
what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor
as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher
would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered
“Sorrily enough.” So they asked why, and I said, “For this
reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves goose-pens.
Ye rouges must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and somust
I be brought up as becometh an honorable steer.”
So after this brief discourse they had me with them acrossthe
street to the Governor’s quarters: a great crowd of boys followingus,
and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, theveryblind
could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calveswas beingdriven
past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a packof young foolsand
old.
Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for
all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: then he rewared with agratification,
but to me he promised the best post that I could have abouthim. SoI
thought of the Goldsmith’s
* and answered thus: “Good,my lord,but none
must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endureno such treatmentif
we are to grow and turn into fine heads of cattle.”The Governorpromised
me better things and though himself a clever fellowto have madeso presentable
a fool out of me. “But no,”thought I, “waitthou,
my dear master; I have endured the trial byfire and therein have Ibeen hardened:
now will we try which of us two canbest trick the other.”
Now jut then a peasant what had fled into the city was driving
his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor
and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but
they, when I came to them, were more terrified as me than a wolf, albeitI
wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered soquickly
from one another as if a hornets nest had been let loose among themin August,
so that their master could not again bring them together at thesame place:
which occasiond pretty sport. And in a wink a crowd offolk ran together
to see this fool’s jape, and as my lord laughed tillhe was fit to burst,
as last he said “Truly one fool maketh a hundredmore.”
But I thought to myself, “Yea, and thou speakest this
truth of thine own self.”
And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so
I for my part had a scoffing nickname for everyone: which same, according
to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily;
for I chirstened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did
count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits.
And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content
with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.
The said jest which I played eith the peasant’s cattle
made a short forenoon still shorter; for ‘twas then about the winter
solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played
many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take
man’s food or drink: for I said roundly that I would have only grass,
which at that time ‘twas impossible to come by. So my lord had
a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulledover
the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at a table, andfor a
first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fallto lustily:
yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with saltto eat the
salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this,but the thing
gave me occasion to play my part the better.
“Of a certainty,” said they, when they saw
mesounmoved, “’tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish,
cheese,and butter; yes, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays
cometo that, that but little difference is to be douns between them and mankind.
Wilt though not play they part therein?” And to that I was the
more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had beforeseen
with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savagethan
lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unrulythan horses,
more stupid than asses, more mad for drinks than the brutes,craftier than
foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonousthan asps
and toads; yet all alike partook of men’s food, and onlyby their shape
were discerned from the beasts, and specially in repsect ofinnocence were
they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I atemy fill with my
fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a strangerhad unexpectedly
thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imaginedthat Circe
3 of old had risen up again to turn to men
into beasts; which artmy master then knew and practised. And as I took
my dinner, so I wastreated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or
parasites fed withme,so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not
permit that I shouldpass the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I
did to befoool themthatwould have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion
did I make,that themost gracious God doth lend and impart to every man in
his stationto whichHe hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there
to maintainhimself:yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors
though theybe ornot, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for
every trade,whereasthere be as many good fish
+ in the sea yet.
Book II, Chapter viii:
DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS
Now when I awaked the next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows
up and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away
the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I
told all that he happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So when
hw saw that I vexed me conscience that I should deceive so many folk, asspecially
my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, “why, upon thatpoint,”
says he, “thou needest not to trouble thyself: this foolishworld will
be befooled; and if they have left thee they wits, so use thouthose same
wits to thine own advantage, and imagine thyself as if thou, liketo the Phoenix,
hast been newly born from folly to understanding throughfire, and so to a
new human life. Yet know thou withal thou are notyet out of the wood,
but with risk of thy reason hast slipped into this fool’scap.
Yea, and these times be so out of joint that none can know whetherthou yet
escape without loss of life. For a man can run quickly intohell, but
to get out again forth need a deal of puffing and blowing: andthou art not
yet—no, not by a long way—man enough to escape thedanger than
lies before thee, as well thou mightest suppose. So wiltthou have need
of more foresight and wit than in those days when thou knewestnot what reason
or unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turnof the tide.”
Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been,
and that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied
myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art slipped
through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was sick and
tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had he in me?
With that I changed my discourse also, had busied myself to give him great
thanks for the excellent remedies with he had imparted to me for the preserving
of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promised to repay him all that
my debt to him demanded. Now this tickled him and brought him again
to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides
of Melos had invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis
4 had perfected, and that not without great
pains, whereby he couldteach men at the repeating of a single word to recount
all that they hadever heard or read, and such a thing, said he, “were
not possible withoutmedicines to strengthen the head such as he had ministered
to me.”
“Yea,” though I, “my good master parson:yet
have I read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a differenttale
of that wherein the Skepsian’s mnemonic did consist.”
Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak
truth, ‘twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became
keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and
told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30, 000 soldiers by his right
name; how Lucius Scipio could so the like with ever citizen of Romel andhow
Cineas, Pyrrhus’s ambassador, on the very day after he came toRome
could repeat in their order the names of all the senators and nobles.
Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men speaking twenty-two
languages, to all of which he could minister judgment in their own tongue:
yea, and talk with each separately. So, too, the learned Greek Charmides
could tell a man what each would know out of all the books in a whole library
if he had but read them once through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000names
in order if they were once recited before him and, as Ravisius tells,could
repeat 200 verses spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to thefirst.
So Esdras knew the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictatethe same
word by word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year didlearn the
Persian Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk five separatedialects of
the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects.
Julius Caesar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences.
The holy Jerome new both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabicand
Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only fromhearing
it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican that he couldhear 6000
men’s names recited and thereafter repeat them in properorder.
“And all this I tell thee,” said he further, “that
thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man’s memory
should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the
other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed.
For in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason
of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it wither vanisheth away
or loseth a great part of that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot
all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason
of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant’s name: and
Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory.
And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot how
to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a year’s
time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place and the same
time, could again write and read. So if a man eats bear’s brains,
‘tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as ifhe
himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a Spanishnobleman
who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and could believenought else
but that he was a bear. My good Simplicissimus, had thymaster but known
this art, thou mightest well have been changed into a bearlike Callisto,
rather than into a bull like Jupiter
5.”
The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more
of his medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come.
So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred
boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves: insomuch
that my master, who was now risen, ran to the windows, and when he saw so
many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily thereat.
Book II, Chapter ix
CROOKET PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY
Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the parlour,
for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to see and to
hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a dummy:
whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion to sayshe
had been told this calf at the dance took occasion to say she had beentold
this calf could speak, but now she did plainly percieve ‘twasnot true.
Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could not speak,but now could
plainly hear ‘twas not so.
“What;” says my lord, “opinest thou, then,
that these ladies be apes?”
So I answered, “Be they no so already, yet they soonwill
be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expectedto
become a calf; and yet am I that same.”
Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies
should become apes: so I answered him, “Our ape here carrieth his hinder
parts naked, but these ladies do carry their bosom: which other maidens be
wont to cover.”
“Ah, rogue,” saith my lord, “thou beest but
a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose
shew what ‘tis worth men’s while to gaze upon; whereas the poor
ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to
make good that wherein thou has offened: else will we so bastinado thee and
so hunt three to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that
know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise
a lady as is becoming.”
So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again fromfoot
to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would takeher
to wife: and at last, “Sir,” said I, “I see clearlywhere
the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. Thevillain
hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast,below the
skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botchershould have
this hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this.”And “Lady,”
quoth I to her, “be rid of him, or he willshame you; and have a care
that you do deal with my dad’s tailor, whichsame was hight Master Powle:
for he could fashion fine plaited gowns formy mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula,
and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud
like yours: nay, and ye cannot believewhat fine clothes he would make for
the hussies.”
So says my lord, “Were now thy father’s Ann and
thy father’s Ursula handsomer than these ladies;”
“Nay,” said I, “my lord, that may not be:
this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulpher, and the parting of herhair
so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom;yes,
and her hair so sweetly done up on rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems;
yes, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles
or a dozen sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath!
Is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man’sskull
that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. ‘Tispity
indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people
see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady
had the king’s evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour;and
this were surely pity: for look upon those sparking eyes: they shineas black
as did the soot on my dad’s chimney for that did use to shineso terrible
when our Ann stood there before it was a wisp of straw to warmthe room as
if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks
be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which theSwabian waggoners
at Ulm6 did truss
up their breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lipsdoth far
surpass the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (Ipray my
masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rowsof teeth,
so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut outof a white
turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any oneshould feel
pain if though shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, herneck is as
white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of likecolour.
And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they beso slender, so
long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the worldlike a gipsy’s
finers, ready the thurst into any man’s pocketsand there go a-fishing”
With that there arose such a laughter that none could hearme,
nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mockedby
others so long as I would, and longer.
Edited by Catherine Huennekens
*Proverbial: an allusion to a popular story. [Goodrick's note]
+ Lit. there are folk dwelling
beyond the mountains too. [Goodrick's note]
1. The Furies were the Roman goddesses of vengence, called the "Eumenides"
or "well-meaning goddesses" by the Greeks, who feared them too much to ever
mention their real names. They punished only certain crimes, including:
disobedience to parents, disrespect to elders, perjury, murder, and inhospitality.
They were the daughters of earth and sky, and so, having preceeded the Olympians,
were not subject to the rule of Zeus. Tisiphone was one of the three,
known as the "blood avenger". "Eumenidies," Dictionary of Greekand
Roman Biography and Mythology. ed. William Smith. (New York:AMS
Press, 1962). vol. 2.
2. In Greek mythology,
Athamas was King of Boeotia and son of Aiolus, the King of the Winds.
Though already married with two sons, he fell in love with Ino and had two
sons by her. When he went to the Oracle to find if he should try to
marry her, Ino, possessed by jealousy, bribed the priestesses to tell Athamas
to kill the sons from his previous marriage. He did so and Hera, enranged,
made him insane. In his madness, he killed one of Ino's sons and would
have killed the other, but she jumped into the ocean with him to save them
both. Zeus took pity over them and turned them into sea gods. "Athamas,"
Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology. ed.William
Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol. 1.
3. In the Odyssey, Circe,
the daughter of the sun god, Helios, and Perse, and oceanid, changed Odysseus's
companions into animals into pigs, and forced him to stay a year, at theend
of which, she instructed him to seek the seer Teiresias in the Underworld.
"Circe," Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology.
ed. William Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol. 1.
4. Simonides was a poet who
livedin the 5th and 4th century BC to the astounding age of 87. He
is mostwell known for his epitaphs. Metrodrus was a Roman historian,
a discipleof Epicurus, noteworthy today for being one of the few Roman historians
whodisagreed with Plato and criticized his contemporaries. Cambridge
Ancient History, ed. Bury, Cook, et. al. (Cambridge: Cambrudge University
Press, 1970), vol 5, p. 209 and vol 8, p. 455.
5. In Greek mythology,
the nymph Callisto was a follower of Artemis with whom Zeus fell in love,
and had a son. When Hera found out, she turned the nymph into a bear.
Her son, Arcas, was a hunter, and was bewitched by Hera to shoot his mother;
before he did, however, Zeus took both mother and son and placed them ascontellations
in the sky. Zeus turned himself into a bull when he descendedto Europa,
a daughter of a Phoenix with whom he had fallen in love. "Callisto"and "Europa,"
Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology.ed. William
Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol.1 and vol. 2.
6. Ulm, the town of Ulm-an-Donau,
situated on the Danube some 45 miles southeast of Stuttgart was chartered
in 1027 and became an imperial city in 1155. In the middle ages, it
had a thriving texile manufactory. It accepted Protestantism in 1530
and joined the Schmakaldic Leauge. The city began to decline during
the 30 Years' War. "Ulm" Encyclopedia of Historic Places ed.
Courtland Canby. (New York: Facts on File, 1984).