Chap. xxiii. : HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS
    Now as soon as young Hurzbruder’s captain heard this story he took from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the circumstances that Oliver has laid this trap for his son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. At last ‘twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats ¹ that I had sewn up in my ass’s ears, and so asked how much money they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, “If there came one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my troubles.” I answered him, “Brother, if that will help thee, have a good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats.” “Alas, brother,” says he, “ what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton that thou makest jest upon us in our sore affliction?” “Nay, nay,” said I, “I will provide the money.” So, I stripped off my coat and took one of the asses’ ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, “Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it.”
    Thereupon the both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder’s co-heir together with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I would have nothing , but only commended myself to their perpetual friendship. After that young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at that hands of me, Simplicissimus. “Yet,” said he, “I am well assured that ye two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight.” Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.
    But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers(for which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.

Chap. xxiv. : HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE
    Now none of my colonel’s people shewed himself better fitted to wait on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the colonel’s wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good nursing, and being relieved in respect to his son, he grew better from day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.
    My colonel’s wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for he feared I might find my destruction therein.
    When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me and also the orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay and prayed without ceasing: but as ‘twas near to the afternoon there came a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the colonel’s master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, “ I ask his honour’s pardon,” says he, “for the freedom I have taken, to speak word with him.” “’Tis well,” says Herzbruder, “wherein can I pleasure his honour?” “Only in this,” says the lieutenant, “that I could beg of his honour that he would condescend upon the casting of my nativity.” Then the old man answered: “I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full satisfaction.” “Very well,” says the lieutenant, “but in the meantime let your honour tell my fortune by my hand.” “Sir,” said old Herzbruder, “that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your worship to spare me in that matter: to-morrow I will do all that your worship asks of me.” Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man’s eyes, and says he, “Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life’s end, with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a warning from God to order my life better; and so for God’s sake I beg you not to conceal the truth.” Then the honest old man answered him in a word, and says he, “’Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past.” “What, thou old rogue,” quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, “durst thou hold such language to a gentleman?” and drew his sword and stabbed my good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried, “Murder,” so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the Elector of Saxony ²with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to  Count Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: “’Twould be bad discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not safe from murderers.”
    That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck till he was dead.

Chap. xxv. : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE
    From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken of. And to the question, whether ‘tis necessary, helpful and good for a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of them I hold that they by ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help Wallenstein ³, the Duke of Friedland, that ‘twas prophesied to him he should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not the whole world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.
    So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I took disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I had been wont to call a town of flax and straw within earthen walls. For not I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool me more, but to be rid of my jester’s garb should it cost me life and limb. And that design I carried but scurvily, for otherwise I had no opportunity.
    For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder’s death was appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the peasants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers’ purpose, and as each went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I stole away, and searched to find some old peasant’s clothing for which I could exchange my fool’s cap: yet I found not what I desired but must be content with a women’s clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked across the street, where were certain officers’ wives, and made such mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter⁴: yet was I hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and taught me to run faster: for when they cried “Halt, halt;” I ran the quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers’ ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by our people.
    The captain’s wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might not be put to shame by my miserable peasant’s kirtle ⁵. So that she did and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, and it waxed so that master and man begged me that which I could not grant them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an opportunity to get by force from me that which ‘twas impossible he should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night, bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me was an assurance ‘twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered, for the captain’s wife became more and more importunate with her enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I would see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the servant beset me, so that my women’s clothes were worse to wear than my fool’s cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed Herzbruder’s prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life and limb. For the women’s apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal myself to the servant as soon as ‘twas day, for I thought, “his desires will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will help thee to man’s clothes again and so out of all thy straits.” Which was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after midnight, and came to get his “Yes” from me, and began to hammer on the carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a little too loud, “Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your promise to me,” and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes, for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of yesterday was on the condition of marriage, without which he should have nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. “Well,” said I, “if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will soon follow.” Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers’ wives do it not on a campaign. All other women’s work which I could not do, such as brushing and braiding my hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she well knew I had never learned it.
    But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to me, “Thou whore in grain,” says he, “I will teach thee...” and more he could not say for very rage, but struck me as if he were mad. But I beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting the approach of the Swedes under Baner.

Chap. xxvi. : HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER
    As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals, and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils’ children when a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me not out of his sight, and when he saw ‘twould go ill with me would rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they had a better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became greater and great till it seemed almost like a tournament in which each did his best for a fair lady’s sake. All this terrible hubbub drew the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing had been torn from my body and ‘twas plain that I was no woman: his coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women’s clothes. Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were about to pass my colonel’s regiment, I was known and accosted and furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.
    It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept, see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted me not only a spy, but also one that could use witchcraft; for shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an answer were these, (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg, disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain’s service I had been as sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women’s apparel? (4) Whether I had not been at the witches’ dance with other sorcerers? (5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what end I had learned women’s work such as washing, baking, cooking, and also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the circumstances of my strange adventure might explain all; but the judge was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he desired only a round answer for each question; and that I answered in the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was exact or precise, as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool’s coat because I had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool’s coat and could come at no men’s clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was written out, “How canst thou deny,” says he, “and say thou hast not studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in the mass said ‘Domine non sum dignus,’ thou didst answer in Latin that he need not say that, for all knew it.”
    “Sir,” said I, “others taught me that and persuaded me ‘twas a prayer that one must use at mass when our chaplain was saying it.” “Yes, yes,” said he, “I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue must be loosed by the torture.” Whereat I thought, “God help thee if thy tongue follow thy foolish head!”
    Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of my fool’s coat again.

Edited by Charles King