With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these, some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberds[1], flags, and some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were made up of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly, however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more, they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed out of their pockets, yea though it was behind seven locks and keys: but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails, and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, and took all with a shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort, mockery for every turn.

Chap. xvi. : OF THE WAYS AND WOKRS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER GET PROMOTION

So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in yet greater hardship: yet these were the last mostly merrier than the first named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times. And this was the rhyme upon them:

"Hunger and thirst, and cold and heat, and work and 

woe, and all we meet;

And deeds of blood and deeds of shame, all may ye

put to the landsknecht's[2] name."

Which rhymes were the less likely to be lyingly invented in that they answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst, wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured, hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word hurting and harming, and in turn being hurt and harmed- this was their whole life. And in this career they let nothing hinder them; neither winter nor summer, snow nor ice, heat no cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry; ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even the loss of life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks, campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants) they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who in their old age, unless they have been right thieving robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds.

Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape death. Now these were more serious, and somewhat more dignified that the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters, because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to give the musketeers oil enough to grease their barrels with. 

Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of ointments and curious soap of disfavor, so that no man save of noble birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with their flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these also had their toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, they could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called "War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on in those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places, and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some unlucky chance of war deprived of both office and of life. And nowhere was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith were made ensigns.

Chap. xvii: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, TET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO HIGH HONOURS

All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain: whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For graybeards defeat no foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: we say:

"Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead

and keep the herd,

For though the veteran be good, the young must 

be preferred.

So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though 

he appears:

'Tis but a saw and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes

with years."

"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than bring reproach upon his family by treason or dissertation or the like, will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in furnishing of offices the preferences should ever be given to the nobility, and these properly set before all the commons. Such usage is to be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith Sirach in his tenth chapter: which is a noble testimony to the preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be a god soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others: which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman; yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made lords straightaway; for men say;

"'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant 

churl that's made a lord?"

"Now had peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom, possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only thought is how ye can tend and take care for your sick bodies which, by reason of much and hardships, be cripple and of little use for war: yea and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion."

Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the world must acknowledge that' tis those nations which promote common soldiers, that are good solders too, that win victories, as may be seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse

"Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an

thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies.

So by reward repay the soldiers toil, for service

brave demands its pay likewise.'"

The answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man, we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have raised themselves up farer above the poorer nobility to the ranks of counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the Swede Stahans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. Andre? Of their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake, forbear to mention. So it is nothing new in the present time, nor will it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great honours, as happened also amongst the ancients. Tamburlaine[3] became a mighty king and terror of the whole world, which was before but a swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappodian, a slave, was emperor after Tiberius II; Justin, that reigned before Justinian, was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet[4], a butcher's con, was afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which afterward was marquis in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out his gold in hundred-weights."

The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the peasants many noble talents perish for want of a means to keep a lad at his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered great services to his general."

Chap. xviii: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK

I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudges him not for his complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head. And as I looked me thought all the trees I saw were but one tree, at whose top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such fair virtues, as by the bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes:

"The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin,

Breaks its own branches down and proves its own 

undoing.

By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud

All's topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued."

By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with my weeping eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which my hermit had written in his lifetime, and this was the content of it. "Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to the place where it is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so mayest thou stand firm. Farewell."

I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I journeyed on for two whole days, and when night overtook me, sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nordlingen[5], had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf, I set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed for a long time.

Chap. xix: HOW SIMPICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY SIMPLICISSIMUS

When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook myself to Gelnhausen and there I found the gates open and partly burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone two-stones' throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who seized me and took me off to their guard room.

Now must I first describe to the reader my many wonderful dress at that time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor combed, nor curled, nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder, or whatever they call the fools' work and that so prettily that I looked with my pale face underneath it, lie a great white owl that is about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was so accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still represented. Over his decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about with iron chains, most deftly disposed cross-wise behind and before like the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on the stockings of the Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I believe that any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and given me out for a Samoyede[6] or a Greenlander, he would have found many a fool that would have wasted a Kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower, and still less had played truant from any great lord's court, nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard was so miserably handled and mutilated, that between mouth and nose there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like women's petticoats as a man's breeches. So i thought, if this be a man he should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round her mouth? Sure 'is a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever let his beard be so lamentably bedeviled, seeing that even goats for pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their beards are clipped. So as I stood there in doubt, knowing not of modern fashions, at last I held he was a man and woman at once. And this mannish woman had me thoroughly searched, but could find nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it, fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool," he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at did note, could neither read nor write himself.

So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster were on show; and according as each once regarded me so each made something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man, and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster that should portend some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the knowledge of God our father.

Edited  By: Carlton Hickok